Parting is such sweet sorrow

3 Jul

Dear friends who regularly read my blog. I am so sorry for the recent lack of posts. Will you forgive me when I tell you I’ve spent the last 3 weeks in a boyfriend visit haze?

I just got home alone after 5 days away in Manila for the last part of my man’s trip and came back to a single room apartment that feels too big and empty with just me in it. Since I am always honest about my feelings on this blog, I will tell you I’ve been crying almost the whole day, buses, minivans, planes, jeeps and supermarkets be damned, and I’m definitely still crying now.

I walked in to see a list on a whiteboard I’d made him write so we wouldn’t be late the day we left, and I went to eat some peanuts and saw there were none left because he’s spent many an afternoon “drinking” them straight from the jar. The doxycycline he’d bought even though there’s no malaria here but had got anyway just to be safe (like not eating from Bain Marie’s, or not taking petty cabs, or not top loading) but had stopped taking after 3 days is on my bedside table. Atop the fridge is a bottle we’d cut the top off full of coins because he didn’t wanna carry them around and I am lying on pillows which have his smell on them, which I will try to retain for as long as possible without them getting too disgusting.

It was so nice to have someone here caring about what I eat and going out to get me veggies I’d forgotten and washing my dishes for me (eventually) and just being here witnessing and living my new life here with me. I’ll miss coming home to smells of vegetarian pasta and I’ll miss being interrupted in my rooftop svasana by him returning home and repeating the Tagalog he’d learnt with his fiends in legazpi in a terrible accent. I already miss the weight of his hand on the small of my back, seeking reassurance after getting separated from me in the market and the squeeze of his hand in a vehicle going way too fast into oncoming traffic and I’ll even miss the spike of his beard after a lazy few days on my cheek during a hug too warm for this climate and yet exactly what you need.

My life was fine before he came and it will be again, but there’s no denying I’m gonna need to be real sad the next few days before I emerge from the darkness and get back to doing what I came here to do wholeheartedly. But something else to be sad about is that if I were going through something like this at home, I’d be in the same position in my leopard bed with the same tears, but a gal or a sis would be right there next to me comforting me not by giving me advice or sage words or anything like that… Just by lying there giving me nothing but sympathetic love. I miss my friends so much in moments like these and I hope you are all happy and healthy and safe and warm right now.

To my guy – i’ll see you again real soon. Thanks for the best 3 weeks ever ever ever.


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