“i’d see your eyes in my eyes suddenly”

25 Nov

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This time next week I’ll be in apparently sweaty Darwin for a week with my man. I am unbelievably excited – like staying up late at night in excitement and dreaming about the reunion excited – but I am also really scared.

When Dan and I decided to long distance, we originally thought we would just be seeing each other once, in November when he came here to visit. But new romance got a bit much and within 6 weeks he was here in my arms, with plans for future rendezvous in the works.

They say love conquers all and I believe the feeling does trumps all other feelings (like annoyance over miscommunicated feelings and subsequent reactions in text messages). but it can’t conquer contracts with standard 4 weeks annual leave pro rata or volunteer allowances or immovable committee meetings so this Darwin trip came to fruition. Darwin was selected not only because it is romantically right in the middle, a 4 hour flight for both of us, incidentally newly home to a friend of his and 2 friends of mine with their own loves, a place neither of us have visited and both wanted to and a place with sale flights when we were booking… It was selected because it would feel a bit like a dream like holidays always are, not like real life and not reinforcing the normalcy of Melbourne I miss so dearly. It was picked so I wouldn’t have to say hello and then goodbye to home again so quickly.

But alas, in addition to the 3 friends between us we already had there, 3 more of dan’s friends are visiting, plus another friend of mine, the original Li Li. No more holiday anonymity, this is a proper group of friends, ala the tv show ‘friends’. To add a bittersweet cherry to my bittersweet passionfruit frozen yoghurt sunday, just a couple of hours ago Li told me husky would be playing on Saturday night – only my favorite band, no biggie.

I followed these guys all over victoria to consume the feeling their music stirred in me, dragging a bevy of semi-unwilling friends along for the ride and whose album let’s me feel the homesickness I suppress whenever I feel brave enough to play it and feel everything my body so desperately wants me to feel.

So the reason my excitement is overshadowed by fear is that the week in Darwin will be more like Melbourne than I thought it would be, which means I’ll have week long a taste of this pseudo-Melbourne. I’ll get to talk to my girlfriends Kahlia and King about work and life and Melbourne and love. Li and I will talk about music before we realize 3 hours has passed. Someone will cook me a vegetarian dinner which I won’t have to pay for. And of course, I’ll get to spend 7 days looking at dan’s face in high definition, with his mouth moving in sync with the words coming out of it and not saying “what??!!” every second sentence…. Real Hugs and kisses will be more amaze balls than I can handle too of course, compared to “xoxo” action.

But I’m scared that I will come back to Gubat and feel that hole again I felt when I first arrived and that sometimes sneaks up when I wanna share my life here but have no one to share it with.

As you may already know, I don’t like to place attachments to feelings. BUT as you would definitely also know, I feel everything and sometimes, when it gets a bit much, I like to share these feelings with the people I love at home…. Just say everything on my mind, dwell on certain things for a second or two longer than a yogi should (BOYS!!!) and then let it go. I am SO excited to have a week of this, but so sad it’s just a week and I’ll have to let that comfort go too.

I didn’t come here expecting to always be comfortable… In fact a big part of why I came was to feel uncomfortable a lot and to observe in myself the reactions to these moments and learn from them. I also don’t want to reneg on all the things I’ve said in previous posts about loving my life here – you know I do!!! But I can love life here and still miss life back home. The love I have for Gubat is different for the love I have for Melbourne, for my Gubat friends different than for my Melbourne friends and my love for my counterpart is EXTREMELY different than my love for Dan. Oh and my “love” (kinda a little like hate at the moment” for videoke is very different from love for listening to beautiful, lyrical, thought-provoking, poetic live music with a crowd similar stirred…. A a week can’t come quick enough! But please, don’t go too fast !

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