Conversation

27 Nov

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I’m having a bit of a hard time at the moment. I don’t wanna dwell too much on the negative stuff but I’ve been feeling a bit lonely and isolated this week on top of the anxiety I’ve been feeling about Darwin.

Dan has been busy working super extra hours for the trip and we haven’t been chatting as much as we usually do and I realised something horrendous…. Some days, if I don’t speak to him, I don’t speak to anyone. I mean, I speak to people here, of course I do, and I love the chit chats I have with people around the office and around the town. What I mean is a real a conversation, and I mean the type of conversation where you’re sharing something meaningful, like a sense of humour or common interests or love for something or past experiences.

I find emails really hard, especially when I’m replying to an email from someone who hasn’t written to me in a long time and just digested everything they have been doing in the last month and then said at the end “so how are you going?”. Then I find it really awkward to reply because I am thinking does this person want me to respond to everything they have told me in this email? Or when you say “how are you going” do you want me to start with that and then respond?

I love knowing what my friends are up to, more than anything, but I miss knowing it because I texted them to catch up and they’re busy, or I am doing it with them, or one of my other friends told me in a separate catch up, or I just know because they told me. I find an email conversation can be really one way if you don’t do it right…. And that’s why I guess I do it so inconsistently. I like to take the time to really do it right, time I don’t seem to have for some unknown reason because god knows what the heck I am doing with my time but it seems to march right by me.

Lately too, some friends have been throwing out the “let’s skype”…. I find skype really hard too, I think the conversation can’t flow organically any more so than in email without the best internet connection and without being able to notice non-verbal cues, but it’s definitely better than nothing. A skype date for me here is as close as I’m getting to real dates, so when this “let’s skype” business gets thrown around and never followed up on, it’s like the equivalent of seeing someone in the street from high school and saying “OMG it’s so good to see you, let’s have dinner sometime” when you both know it will never happen. Honestly, I know it isn’t like this, but that’s what it feels like sometimes here when I am alone and so isolated.

My friends at home love and support me and my friends here are totally amazing, but I miss conversations in my life with a statement and a response and then another response and so on in the most organic way, with irony and sarcasm and warmth and hope and feeling and even touching.

Here, I have had to come to love my Monday morning facebook inbox messages from Lease before she goes into the studio, viber conversations with Kate about certain boys, hilarious mp3 recordings of Kerry singing, pictures of cats from my mum, good morning messages from Dan…. I love these because they capture the kind of moments I would have if I were with them in person, which you can’t really replicate over email or skype. I know also when I receive them that person is thinking of me and sending their love, because that’s what I do with my vibe messages and faceinhole.com photos and 9gag reposts and all the other stupid shit the internet makes easy for us.

So you might have gathered from reading my blog that even when it’s a ranting, rambling post like this one, I like to put forth some kind of solution or resolve to improve me situation. This is why blogging makes me feel better I think! I get all my thoughts out and then know what I have to do….

I’m more of a face to face long catch up over brunch kinda person. So when I rant about all this stuff, I want it to be clear that I am most responsible for my current state of isolation as anyone. And I guess I know what I have to do. Because emails and skypes are the only modes I have, I have to get better at them, practice both of them more and be more grateful for them.

Ps can I just add that i am grateful everyday for my dear “office mate” Aileen ❤

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